Scaredy Cat

I never really fancied myself a scaredy cat.  But upon examination, I find I do actually live quite a portion of my life in fear.  Those silent, unspoken fears that you never quite want to admit to anyone, but when you crawl into bed at night, they haunt you.

Fear of being alone, fear of commitment, fear of staying in this job, fear of leaving this job, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of losing my parents, fear of losing Chhaya...

All of these things are generally kept at bay, but sometimes they creep in and like a rabid infection, spread quickly if not stopped quickly.

Lately my fear is based mostly on career.  Perhaps it is a fear of failure, but one can never succeed if one never tries.  So failure is really a form of success.  Being passive is probably the highest form of failure, really.

On my way to pick up the rental car for this weekend, I opened up my Kindle and began reading The Prosperous Coach, and I was a bit surprised to find that there were many instances addressing some of these fears.  Some of the great quotes I found inspiring were:

“Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it.”
" True independence is about living a CREATED LIFE."
" Stop trying to live under the Failure Zone. Your mission is to embrace failure—not fear it. Actually, who cares if you fear failure—embrace it anyway."

On another note, I'm heading to Glasgow Lands tomorrow. This will be a great day after the nightmare week I had at work.  Although, I had a lovely time at the British Societies Summer Garden Party on Wednesday.  Met some interesting folks. Just wish there were more networking events such as this to get me better acquainted with more people in power.

On that note, I really should pack my bag, since I have to wake up at 6:30am tomorrow! 

Something Clicked!

So this has, somehow, been a weekend of epiphanies.  I (think) I finally made some actual decisions. 

The weekend actually began smashingly due to getting an alert about a drop in price on Hotwire for car rentals next weekend.  I had planned to go to Glasgow Lands Highland Games and Festival next weekend, but prices were outrageous!  I'd settled in on the fact that I'd miss another Highland Games.  Since my boss comes back this week and there is a board meeting on Friday, I know my week is going to be pure hell.  Now I have something exciting to look forward to if I make it through the week in one piece!

For instance, after MONTHS of indecisiveness about a new laptop, I bought a MacBook Pro today.  I've had my old, trusty Dell for 8 years!  The sound card is blown, so I can't watch Netflix from it, or take a class, should I finally decide what sort of classes to take, and on Friday the joint of the screen to the keyboard split in half.  Truth be told, my dad actually got me to walk out the door and commit to the purchase.  I had initially called him because I was pretty sure he'd talk me out of it, or into buying something less expensive.  But no! He surprised me and told me to get off the phone, walk up the street and "buy the damned thing, already!".

My second decision of the weekend involved an (almost) decision of finally committing to making the commitment to becoming an accredited coach.  I'm speaking to someone tomorrow about the actual game plan and courses, but I've toyed with this idea for numerous years.  I've really always wanted to do this, and perhaps this is the time to get my ass moving and do something about it.  I'm so tired of getting great ideas, then proceeding to talk myself out of them little by little.  I'm constantly convincing myself the plan won't work, or I can't afford it, or the plethora of other excuses.

No more! I've told just 3 people about this decision and each one of them told me they think I'd be super successful and great at coaching.  So, that's that!  I'm ready to get going on this.  No better time than the present to get started on being happy!

Long Time, No See

Wow, over three years since my last post.  I think the blog title still fits.  There is so much going on in my head, I thought it might be helpful to get it out on *paper*.

I think my career is the biggest obstacle in my life right now.  When I was in DC, all I knew is that I would eventually move back to NYC. I LOVED my job, but I felt like I was not living where I was "supposed to be".  I was wrong. And because of that, I completely sabotaged my job.  Which seems to be a running theme with great things in my life.

You would think after XX number of years on this earth, and countless readings of the cliche, that I would KNOW that the grass is RARELY greener on the other side.  That held true in this instance.

I moved back to NYC and took a filler job while I searched for my perfect path.  I turned down 3 positions that might have fit well to take something I thought would be my future.  I quickly realized I was spiraling down into, well, depths that I did NOT want to be swimming in.  Every day is now a struggle.  Sundays are filled with anxiety and feelings of dread.  You know, that pit deep in your stomach where you aren't sure if you want to eat or throw up?

So now I'm at a crossroads.  There are options, but because my self-confidence is just this side of shot, my risk tolerance is low.  I have gained so many skills in my line of work over the years, that it has been a huge challenge to figure out a specific path to take.  IT? Real estate? Coaching? That last one... I've been thinking about it for about 7 years now.  It seems right that I should look into it more.

I just finished taking the Gallup StrengthsFinder 2.0 assessment and read the book.  It's been incredibly helpful, but now I want to delve deeper.

I think I'm going to close out for now, but I'm going to be taking up writing more, there's so much I want to get out of my head and onto the screen.

Fantasy Voyage

Wanderlust is a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world. The term originates from the German words wandern (to hike) and Lust (desire).

I didn't get my first passport until I was in my early 30's. I think it's because traveling from California is so difficult. I'd been to Mexico numerous times, but you didn't need a passport back then.

The first time I left the country I went to the Dominican Republic. It was unbelievable and I was instantly hooked on seeing new places and meeting new people. I never wanted to go home. Fast rewind to about 6 months before when I began my "risk-taker" personality when I moved to New York from L.A. with no job and $2k in my pocket. I made it there, so... I guess I can make it anywhere?

It's no secret how I feel about where I am in my life right now. I'm not in a good place. It's pretty much impossible to get to the Siddha Yoga Meditation Center here because it's the opposite direction of my house and there is no Metro close enough to get there. My spiritual self is suffering. My emotional self is suffering for lack of real friends and family close to me. My financial self is suffering due to a lower salary and higher cost of living. Let's get this straight, I'm NOT spilling all of this to complain, I'm spilling it to get out some issues that I need to resolve and then take the steps to do so.

This last trip to Ireland further affirmed my feelings about seeing the world. I'm truly at my happiest when doing this. The research and planning before the trip, the new people and culture, the history, the stories, the lifestyles. I feel like a sponge. Every time I return home I bring a piece of wherever I was with me. For instance, I now use Maui Babe in the summertime because I discovered it in Oahu. The super rich landscape of Scotland made me realize how beautiful old countries were. Venice deposited in my brain the need to wander through small streets and just walk in anywhere and talk to people. In Ireland I regained my taste for locally grown, fresh, additive & preservative free food (and Jameson - hey! it's made with barley!). I could go on for pages about all the things I've learned.

I sort of feel lost when I return to the States, like I don't belong. Sad and bewildered. Can anyone else relate?

Slán a Fhágáil

I had the most amazing birthday of my life. I landed on Friday at 6:30am and went straight to the hotel. That day I visited the Jameson Distillery and had my first Irish Coffee on Irish soil. After the tour I went back to the hotel area to meet up with a friend from Dublin. Vicky landed shortly after and we headed up to the Dublin Mountains.

Johnnie Fox's was SO MUCH FUN. I ate pigeon. We danced, laughed, did Irish car bombs and kept going until closing. The band even dedicated a song to me!

The next day we visited Co. Wicklow, Avoca, and Glendalough. (The reason I'm being so brief in description is because I've attached my album of pictures below.

We visited the National Leprechaun Museum, Grafton St., St. Stephen's Green and Temple Bar. Also an evening of Food, Folklore and Fairy Tales at the oldest pub in Ireland, The Brazen Head (where the entire room sang Happy Birthday to me - that's the birthday cake above).

Unfortunately, on the morning of our last day, I sprained my ankle. BAD. It was super swollen and blue, but I powered through (stupidly) because I couldn't bear to not have a great last day.

Vicky was super patient and cool with me. That's a real friend. :-) (and so pretty, you'll see that in the pix as well).

Upon landing back in DC I went straight to the emergency room and ended up on crutches.

After my time in Ireland, I've been thinking about what I learned. The people there are SO NICE. It goes without saying that if you are nice to people, they are nice to you, and then nice to others, and so on and so forth. We could use a bit more of that in America. I've also decided to really embrace local, healthy, clean food. No processing or additives in the meals I ate over there, and I felt great. I wish good clean food was as easily accessible over here without going to "Whole Paycheck".

It's now snowing really hard out and we're expecting about 10". A far cry from last winter, but I'm happy to see it on the ground (it also makes me feel less badly about not being able to make it to the office).

LINK TO PIX OF BIRTHDAY 2011 IN IRELAND

Ballykissangel and Bale

Well, I have 2 sleeps (learned that one from MM) left until I leave for the Emerald Isle. Spoke to Vicky on the phone last night for a bit and seems we have everything all set. Just have to pick up a few sweaters from the cleaner tomorrow and I think I'm just about all packed.

It's odd. Every time I book a trip (normally on a whim) it seems to take forrrreverrrrrrrrrrr for the departure date to arrive! Not this time! Seems like I just booked my tickets yesterday! Maybe it's father time wanting me to get older more quickly :-( Either way I'm happy and excited to give my mind a break for a week.

My co-workers gave me flowers and cupcakes today for my birthday. The only thing that can top flowers + cupcakes is KITTENS! (How old am I again??). Here's a pic.

So, I met my new cat sitter the other night. He looks just like Christian Bale. Not "The Fighter" crackhead Christian Bale, more like Christian Bale circa 2008. And not British, but a Wisconsinite. Okay, on paper maybe it sounds less sexy.

I'm off to finish my laundry and get to sleep. Long 'last day' tomorrow!

8 Days and Counting!

Just finished biking 15 miles and walking 1.5. Tired and drinking a super yummy chocolate peanut butter protein drink. I feel like I'm not making any progress, but I know I have to stick to it. At some point this has to click for me.

I started some supplements and I already feel the benefits of them. If any of you are interested in a new vitamin or workout supplement, check out PROGRADE.

The multi-vitamin (I'm obviously taking the women's version):
contains nutrient-rich concentrates of 25 whole vegetables, greens and fruits
increases energy levels
improves quality of sleep
boosts mood
supports hormone balance

I have to say, I'm feeling it. I'm DEFINITELY a low-energy person. That's just "me". Nothing seems to REALLY energize me. After work, I always plan to *clean *workout *make phone calls *BLOG. Nothing ever gets done. All I want to do is crawl on the couch. Granted, I know part of this is due to depression. After I left my last Dr. I suppose I'm left untreated. Anyway, I feel motivated to get the workouts in and haven't crawled on the couch since I started taking them.

I'm really excited for Ireland. I just finalized my itinerary today and purchased my ticket to the Jameson Distillery. Did you know the Jameson motto is "Sine Metu" or NO FEAR. Sweet!

We're also taking a little exploration to Malahide Castle (picture above) and Howth.

Well, I'm completely exhausted from the workout. I've had my protein and now I actually AM going to go crash on the couch and watch the President speak at the AZ memorial.

Hopefully we can all start to THINK more before we speak. Words cannot be taken back. There is no need to throw violence and violent words around in the world of politics. Maybe it's legal, but it's far from socially responsible.

xo

Today Should Be Deleted

If it weren't for my boss being in the office today, 1 day out of 2 months, I would be locked in my bedroom. I seriously think I should have been banned from leaving my apartment. So far while putting on my Geox riding boots, the zipper broke 3/4 of the way up. I couldn't pull it the rest of the way off, and worse couldn't zip it down. I had to go downstairs to the lobby to get pliers, then back up in my apartment dropped my coffee on the ground, then went to put on a different dress and a button is missing. Now I'm just in crying mode.

Okay! So it's been what, 15 days? I've done between 1-3 workouts per day. I will admit I skipped ONE day. Sue me. I'm taking some new supplements as well. Once I've been taking them for a bit and see what happens with them, I'll give you the scoop.

I won't lie, I feel like it's taking a longggggg time to give my body the extreme jolt I wanted. I was hoping my body would react more quickly, but I suppose I have to realize that I'm not 24 anymore. God. Am I really coming up on 37? THIRTY SEVEN? Seriously, in my teens I never thought I'd make it past 22. I think I'm having a crisis. You know, what do I have to show for my years on this earth so far, what have I contributed, have I done anything to make anyone better? What the HELL does my future hold?

I've gone backward in the last 2 years, but I'm ready to make the push in 2012 to regain myself. Failure is simply NOT an option.

I'm getting really excited about Ireland. It will be a welcome break from reality, even if for just 6 days.

Going Strong!

So far, so good! I've kept my promise to myself in 2011. As of today I've had a minimum of 1 workout per day since December 27th. My most was 3 workouts in one day. I count "1" workout as a cardio session, weight training, interval training, pilates or strength session. I feel good. My eating is going great too. I did, however, eat 2 Hershey's Kisses today. Hey! A co-worker brought them back from Hawaii! I didn't want to offend him!


I came home and jumped on the treadmill for 50 minutes. I'm a little tired today, so I'm just going to finish with some stretching and maybe 10 minutes of weights. I can say I'm okay with that. Tomorrow is another day! My greatest payoff so far is that yesterday when I went into the office, not having seen these people for a few weeks, 2 co-workers came up to me and told me that I look like I'd lost weight. YAY ME! 19 days until I leave for Ireland. Praying to drop as much as possible!!

New Year, New Me

What an appropriate time to begin blogging again. Some of you are in the know of my 2010, some aren't. It's been a rough one. A little easier than 2009, for sure, but tough nonetheless.

I've been preparing for the new year by getting a head start beginning last week. I've been hitting the gym twice a day since Tuesday and have overhauled my eating habits. As some of you know, when you are depressed things sometimes get out of control. I've begun to get real with myself and accept what I've done and take the reigns to get my life back.

Let me start by recapping the 2nd half of 2010 for you all. I was lucky enough to get to visit my aunt in Baja Mexico in July. I also went to the US Open for the first time with Andreen. I spent Thanksgiving with a close friend from New York that has family in the DC area, so I wasn't alone and got to go up to NYC and visit friends on more than a few occasions.

My grandmother had a major stroke in November, so I went to California to see her in the hospital. While there I was able to see my 2 cousins Natalie and Cheyenne who I'd not seen in probably 20 years (or more). I also got to see my uncle Owen, who lives in Idaho, and my aunt came in from Baja. Even though the circumstances weren't ideal or even slightly agreeable, I was able to reunite and join with family during a somber time. My grandmother passed on the morning of Christmas Eve. This began a time of even deeper introspection.

I've made my attempts and it's just not clicking here. This past year has shown me what friends and family, and being close to them, really mean in life. Everything.

Today I write down my resolutions, I clean my house and therefore my mind, I reflect on my time and look toward an enriching and successful future.

So far in 2011.....

I already have events planned for 2011! I think 12 months from now I will be able to look back and say WOW, look what I did! I have high hopes.

Since my birthday wasn't the best of the best the past 2 years, I decided to go to Ireland on somewhat of a whim (I know, that sounds SO unlike me!). I invited a girlfriend of mine who lives in Amsterdam who is apparently as spontaneous and adventurous as I am, and she will be meeting up with me Friday afternoon.

I also have tickets to see AL PACINO in The Merchant of Venice on Broadway in early February. Al Pacino, live, on stage, WOW. That'll be something I'll always remember.

NEW YEAR'S TRADITIONS:

Did you know?

* Eating lentils and sausages (for good monetary fortune), and wearing red underwear are all good luck in Italy on New Year’s Eve.

* In Brazil on New Year’s Eve priestesses of the local macumba voodoo cult dress in blue skirts and white blouses for a ceremony dedicated to the goddess of water, Yemanja.

* In Ireland in the west the direction of the wind blowing at New Year would indicate the trend of politics in the coming year. If it blew from the west it would flourish, if from the east the English would have upper hand.

* In Austria, New Year's Eve is called Sylvesterabend which is the Eve of Saint Sylvester. They make a punch made of cinnamon, sugar, and red wine in honor of him. Taverns and inns are decorated with evergreen wreaths. Evil spirits of the old year are chased away by the firing of mortars called böller.

* In Korea, people place straw scoopers, rakes or sieves on their doors and walls to protect their families from evil spirit sin the new year.

* In Greece special dishes are prepared at New Year but the most important dish is Vassilopitta or St Basil's cake, inside the cake is placed a silver or gold coin. The first piece is for St. Basil.

Combine Women of the Congo, Generous Friends & Family, Road Trip, Good Wine and Stir

I took this picture on my Blackberry Curve yesterday afternoon at Corcoran Vineyard. What a great day! I was a little nervous waking up since it was cloudy with a forecast of 58 degrees. Nevertheless, I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd have sat around my apartment all day knowing I had a weekend rental car in the parking lot downstairs.

I visited 4 wineries total and bought some great local products. It was a little reminiscent of that road trip I did in 2007 before I started working at Cantor, except then I was gone 5 days. I love exploring new places and this gave me a great sample of what a long weekend might consist of later on.

The reason I had a rental car at all was for my 3rd annual Run For Congo Women . The last 2 years I ran in NYC on Roosevelt Island. This 5k was in Frederick, MD, and if I may say so, a very stark contrast. I'm VERY proud at the money I raised and the project it self, but I was disappointed in the organization of the actual event. In NY there were numerous sponsors and booths set up with live dancers and music. There were limited bottles of water in Frederick. THAT'S IT. After crossing the finish line, everyone just left. Went home. That's it. Like I said, fulfilling, yet disappointing. I do want to get more involved, so this might be a good segue.

Back at work today and I feel like I had a really long and good weekend. Ready to make some final decisions about the direction my life is heading and stick to them.

For Charity

I recommend HotelsCombined.com and sent $20 to World Vision!

You can shout and help too.